The Royal Flush

Caution: this blog contains explicit material, not suitable for people who can't deal with matters of the throne.

So I meandered my way down a staircase in the back of a restaurant near Buckingham palace to tinkle today (normally I'd say 'piss', but I don't want to offend anybody). It was a normal tinkle, not very much different than any I've had in the past. Zipper went down smoothly, or should I say, without a hitch. (Mind you, ladies, the taking down of the zipper is, while a very common activity, an extremely stressful one. A man can be three sheets to the wind, too drunk to notice gorgeous women throwing their numbers at him. So wasted that he doesn't know he just went into the women's bathroom. Too drunk to realize he's trying to tinkle (piss) in the sink (or if he's in the women's bathroom, maybe even the sofa just for fun- which I have serious qualms about. Why do girls get furniture and flowers in their bathrooms while guys get graffittied walls of obscene body parts and fake numbers of girls that are supposed to be 'a lot of fun' or 'a great time'- and I know they're fake because nobody ever picks up. And when they do, the person on the other end claims to not even know the girl I'm looking for. And I'm always like, 'hey, if you want to keep her to yourself, just say so, but don't insult my intelligence thinking I'll believe she's not even home.) Anyway, I digress. The point is, that men can be way too drunk for their own good, thinking that while they tinkle (piss) they'll be able to successfully aim and not spill their beer by pinning it with their chin against their chest (and don't even tell me you haven't tried this), but when it comes to unzipping, it's like the spinning world around you comes to a stop. Everything is in slow motion, Matrix style. The last of the girls are running and screaming out of the bathroom. Hair, makeup, purses flying in every direction. You know the bouncer's only a crowded dance floor away, but there's still no way that you're going to rush this. You look down but you can't see anything because your beer (still tucked tightly behind your chin- or if it's a glass, held in your teeth) is obscuring your view. So you got to go in blind. You reach down, try to clear a path from the other side of the cloth, and take one last breath (because you know if this goes wrong it's your last breathe work taking). 3,2,1 and go! The train tracks have come undone. A little bead of sweat drops from your brow into your tightly clasped beer. It's over. You're done. And for those two and half seconds you were as sober as the day you were born. You've made it one more time (until 6-19 seconds later, depending on how many beers you've had, and then you have to do it again. But this time you don't even have gravity helping you out-think about that)) (the second parenthasee mark- I don't know it's official name, though I should because I use it, is not a typo. If you look back, pretty much the whole blog thus far has been an aside within a parenthasees- so getting back to the story...)

I was in the restaraunt bathroom and the zipper was down. I'll spare you the next 6-19 seconds, but lets just say everything worked out fine. When it came time to send it all to the ocean- or judging by the looks of the river, to the Thames, I was baffled. There was not just one button for the flush. There was two. Well, for a man who'se lived much of his twenty-two (22 years old. can you believe it. College educated, and still not mature enough to avoid writing a whole blog about a tinkle (piss)) For a man who'se lived much of his life amazed at watching toilets flush (I really want to visit Australia), it's like I've hit the jackpot. But, which one shall I push? I could push the little button with a solitary dot in the center. Or, I could push the bigger button, with a pair of dots in the middle. I obviously only have one chance at this (I wouldn't want to flush twice. It's a waste of water). Well, I used my deduction skills, and thought back to my years as a young boy, when my parents first started to let me go to the bathroom on my own. I think I was 9 or 10. They'd want to know how long they'd be waiting so instead of simply asking me if I was taking a tinkle (piss) or the other option (as much as I'd like to name it, I think my mom'll be reading this, and there are just some things a son can't say), they'd make me use some sort of number code. Maybe they just didn't want other people to know what I was doing in there. It was binary in nature, but instead of 0's and 1's, I was to use 1's and 2's. This was probably to throw off anybody who might have been familiar with computers. Since you're not part of the family, I'll let you in on the code- 1 for tinkle (piss) and 2 for that bodily function which shall not be named (Sue me, I like Harry Potter). What are the chances that the whole country of England uses the same code. Seriously, we're like a whole ocean away. In the midst of my excitement I forgot that I had been staring at a toilet full of my own tinkle (piss) for much longer than any man should really allow and decided just to hit both of them at the same time. Wow. what a glorious rush of water it was. How many people can say that they have had a royal flush. (and I didn't even have to bet on it).

Other news- I went to the Royal Mews today. The Royal Mews is the royal stable/ garage where the queens royal horses/carraiges/cars are kept. Pretty cool. Those horses get 6 weeks of vacation a year. Not a bad gig. On my way there I passed by Parliament, where there was a huge rally with people protesting genocide and innocent slaughter of people in Sri Lanka. It was crazy. There were police blockades, police lines, and a huge mass of people shouting for a cease fire. I know that as a tourist I probably should steer clear of those things, and I walked away after accidentally (accidentally, Dad. don't worry. If I recall you wanted to join a march in Paris a few years ago for the 'working man') happening upon it. It was unbelievable. It was empowering, sad, scary, and inspirational, just to name a few of the emotions running through me. I'm extremely happy to see people using their freedom of speech and peaceful protests/assembly to get their messages across. Let's hope everything stays peaceful (more peaceful than a few weeks ago at the Summit), and never forget - Everybody has a right to speak their mind and there are always ways to have your voice heard (even if you want to talk about tinkle (piss)).